David Clarke, Ph.D

Excerpt from "Men Are Clams, Women Are Crowbars"

A man and a woman are in conversation. It's just the two of them. At first, everything's fine. There's eye contact and a comfortable feeling of closeness. Both are taking turns talking and listening. Then suddenly, it happens. The woman notices that the man is not listening. She sees all the telltale signs. His mouth is hanging open and a small line of spittle is running down his chin. His eyes are glassy and staring off into the distance. His body is rigid. There's not even a twitch.

Is it a stroke? Could it be some kind of a seizure? Have aliens invaded his body? No. It's what all women hate. It's what drives them crazy. It's the zone.

The zone is a periodic mental blank spot that men move into without warning. During the zone, there appears to be very little, if any, brain activity. For a brief period, conscious thought ceases. The man is, for all intents and purposes, a vegetable.

The woman takes the zone personally and says: "You're not listening to me!" She's right. He's not. Now, it's bad enough at this point. The woman is insulted and angry because the man wasn't paying attention to her. But it gets worse. The woman, being a woman, has to ask this question: "What were you thinking about?" The man, being a man, with all sincerity has to respond: "Nothing." The woman can't believe it. "What do you mean, nothing?" She can't conceive of going blank and having nothing on her mind. It's never happened to her. She's convinced he's lying. He had to be thinking of something!

Men, if we could just come up with something that we were thinking, it might help satisfy the woman. At the least, it would be some damage control.

• "I was thinking of a cure for cancer just now."
  
• "I was thinking of some way to achieve world peace."
  
• "Honey, funny you should ask. I was just thinking of how beautiful you are, my darling."
  

Oh, if we could tell her something, anything at all, that we were thinking! But we can't! We have to admit the sad, pitiful truth. We had absolutely nothing in the brain.

Speaking on behalf of all men, Ladies, let me assure you that the zone is not an intentional attempt to drive you over the edge of sanity. It just seems that way. It's a perfectly natural, normal part of being a man. The male zone is just one minor example of a very important truth. Men and women think differently. Our brains are different and so the way we think, the way we talk, and the way we process personal information is different. And these differences block us in conversation.

In the next several chapters, we'll take a look at some key thinking differences between men and women. I'll show you how these differences affect opposite sex conversations. Most importantly, I'll teach you how to adjust to these differences to achieve real depth in your conversations, because if you can have great conversations, you can have a great marriage!

 

Study Guide for MEN ARE CLAMS, WOMEN ARE CROWBARS

              This is an excellent, simple question and answer review of MEN ARE CLAMS, WOMEN ARE CROWBARS designed to multiply the benefit derived from reading the book.  Going through this brief guide should be fun and extremely valuable.  Instructions are given for use with couples and groups. 

           $10.00

Just reading a book or attending a seminar will not bring the changes you want. However, reading a book and discussing what you read together can be very helpful.  Rather than just assuming you both will be reading, the best way to read and discuss this book is suggested.

The best way to use this Guide as a couple is the following:

1. Plan two evenings a week in which you will invest three-quarters of an hour each evening.  Put this on the calendar (e. g., M and TH, 8:15 – 9:00, Pages 13-17). After your first session, you will have an idea of the right number of pages you find reasonable to read and discuss each session using this Study Guide; don’t take on too much at a time.
2. On those evenings, plan for uninterrupted time.  Sit side by side.  Pray a simple prayer for God’s guidance—out loud is better.  You might want to take turns praying, one at one session, the other at the next; when you pray, pray especially for yourself, for your enlightenment, for your growth, for necessary changes in you.  Read the same page at the same time. When either of you finishes reading that page, place your finger on the bottom of the page.  When the other person finishes that page, he/she indicates that, and you both turn to the next page.
3. When you have finished the pages you have chosen to read, follow the Study Guide covering those pages. Don’t hurry.  Ask questions of one another, and answer them honestly, simply.  Your purpose in discussion should be solely to clarify and understand one another’s feelings and beliefs, not to convince or persuade or defend yourself or vent your unhappy feelings.  Fill in all blanks.  A side benefit from this is that you will have a record of your "journey" through the book.  Don’t make this exercise always deadly serious; appreciate the humor and laugh together!
4. If one of you is the more vocal--the more "talkie"--be careful not to turn off your spouse.  Asking and listening will be just as important as talking.  Try to be extremely sensitive to your spouse and not cut him or her off or fail to pay attention to what that person says and obviously feels.
5. There is never a "right" or a "wrong" answer.  One-word answers (except for requested "Yes" or "No" answers) are banned and should never be voiced.
6. Begin by applying—trying—one idea at a time that you have read together in the book.  Compliment one another whenever either of you does this.  Don’t look for or try for great change too soon.  (Habits of years are not quickly broken.)
7. Stick to your reading/discussing schedule, and stop on time. As you finish each time, thank God for His grace in your lives.

 

For a Group:

1. Go over the seven suggestions, above--"How to Use This Guide For a Couple"--with the couples reading their copies of this Study Guide.  (For example, "Don’t make this exercise always deadly serious; appreciate the humor and laugh together!").  Remind them to fill in all blanks and follow the instructions and talk as requested.
2. If an individual talks too much, be kind and tactful, but politely say, "Let’s hear from some others."
3. Discuss the need for caution and confidentiality.  No one should share something in the group that would not be appropriate shared in public or would embarrass a spouse.
4. Try not to be rigid or over-controlling, but keep the discussion on the pages and subjects assigned.
5. It is suggested—except for the last chapter—that you discuss two chapters at each session, beginning with the Introduction and Chapter One, and the discussion and questions in the Study Guide.  The last session would cover the last chapter of the book and also leave time for last minute reflections and the closing of the series.
6. In each session, discuss the assignment for that section of the book, and ask any couples who wish to share their experiences with the group to do so.  Watch for and try to be sensitive to times when a person or couple needs to share, and encourage the group to be patient and supportive.  Before the session ends, look at the assignment for the next meeting.  Clarify anything that is not clear.

1. Emphasize strongly that the reading and discussing together each couple does on their own is the most helpful thing they will do!

2. Be aware that two activities will be most important: (A) the sharing by the couples themselves, alone, and (B) their affirming to one another the points in the book in order to be sure they are in agreement or need to talk about them further.  Always leave time for focusing on and emphasizing the points Dr. Clarke makes and the practicing of them in the marriages.